Wednesday, April 30, 2003

Brand new Diary.

To get my diary type in "A busy busy bumblebee" under "Go to a Diary"... :) and leave me a sweet little message!

Monday, April 28, 2003

I've heard so many love stories like this:
Boy meets girl. Boy falls in love with girl. Girl falls in love with boy. Girl gets a job far away. Boy doesn't want to end the relationship because he loves girl so much. Therefore, boy moves to where girl is so that they can still be together. Boy and girl still love eachother. Boy and girl live happily ever after.

Why can't this boy and girl be like that? She doesn't want him to transfer down here, hell no!

In my opinion, true love is based on sacrifices you make for the sake of being together. She is willing to do that, but why won't he let her? If leaving where she is is what will win him back to her, then that is what she will do.

Location is temporary. Love should be forever.

His reasoning is simple but logical: he wants to focus on his schoolwork. But when they were first together he was STILL focusing on his work, and things were fine between them.

Single life for Girl is a double edged sword. She loves the fact that she can flirt wildly, but at the same time she wants to only flirt with the one who sent shivers up her spine when he touched her and kissed her. She wants that one boy to be the boy that she flirts with only. She wants their intimacy level back. What is she willing to do to get it back? She's ready and willing to transfer home and be with him and their families. Although she loves it where she is, she admits that at home is where she is officially herself.

So... Girl wants to know: If she does decide to transfer home, will you give her the opportunity to try and win your heart?O:-)

Honey: I love you, and I always will. I want you back more than I would rather be where I am right now. Making you happy and being with you made me feel on top of the world, and I loved making you happy. I want to make you happy like I used to. I know you always say that you want to see what happens with your future and mine and that you don't want to hurt me. Let me tell you: how can you see what happens in your future with a relationship and work and school if you dont get yourself involved in all of them? You're killing me by holding me from a distance because you're scared that things may not happen the way you want them to. I am too, but dammit risks are what make life worthwhile. I love you and will always love you. Please give me a chance to capture your heart the way that you did mine. I love you, Dan.

The only thing terrible about risks is not taking them, and then wishing that you had.

Monday, April 21, 2003

OMG.... I talked to Tim... yeah! Freaky, huh?
It was a little odd, but comforting... hmm... I know that things are not going to be the same way between us, but whatever happened between us was most likely my fault... since everything is my fault... oh well.

House full of cats.

I met a really nice guy named Mike.. I can talk to him about anything and everything. He's so great. He goes to the University of Wisconsin and is the Chaplain of Alpha Ch Rho... and he's not that bad to look at either... :-)

Eh, who am I kidding... house full of cats. He'll only be a friend... and that's fine with me.. although I desperately wish for someone more than just a friend to me.

Lately I've been feeling out of sorts with my friends... like they look at me differently. I guess I did something to make them not like me as much... I just wish I knew what. Kim hangs out with Missa (my big)- I feel bad because Kim was supposed to be Missa's little and I ruined everything by going into the hospital... Holly is always with Aaron, and Krys is either with Rob or at the Health Center trying to get better.

And I get the feeling that Dan just doesn't want to talk to me. Oh well... I brought everything on myself. There's really no way for me to fix things, except to probably move- not home to Maryland, not to Lynchburg, but maybe to somewhere else where a fresh new start is desperately needed. Someplace where absollutely NO ONE knows me.

Oh well... house full of cats.

Monday, April 14, 2003

Good morning. It's early Monday at 3:22 AM and I (once again) cannot sleep. I feel so empty right now. And so alone. I have great sorority sisters, and wonderful friends, but no significant other to share time with. And this pains me. What's so wrong with me that makes me so single and lonely? Let's see if I can solve this problem:
1- I'm stubborn
2- I'm fat
3- I'm self-absorbed
4- I'm selfish
5- I'm not pretty
6- I'm not smart
7- I'm lazy
8- I jump into things too fast
9- I'm crazy
10- I'm wierd

There. Ten things ought to do it, don't you think? These above reasons are most likely why I am so alone in the world. I can see myself 10 years down the road being a spinster old woman in a ruin of a house on top of a hill with a million cats walking around on my property. Yep, I'll be the scary Cat Lady the children of the neighborhood will fear.

Oh, not to mention that I don't let things go, I am sarcastic, bitchy, controlling, cynical, pessismistic, clingy, needy, annoying, obssessive and pushy. I'm just one hell of a person, huh? AND TO THINK - I'm not married yet. If we were in the Stone Age, I would be Sabertooth Dinner by now. :-(

I'm 18 years old... why am I so worried about being married? Oh gee let me think- BECAUSE I'M ALONE AND SINGLE AND THERE ARE SO MANY OF MY FRIENDS GETTING MARRIED!!! Why can't I be married? Why can't I be in love? Why can't I have someone special to spend time with? WHY DON'T I HAVE A BOYFRIEND???

I used to have a boyfriend. God, was he great. In my eyes he was wonderful- hell he still is. But he broke up with me because I'm not in school at Maryland and he's convinced I am too good for him, or some sort of bullshit. The truth is that he is to good for ME, because he is so mature and wonderful.
Sure, when we were together we fought like cats and dogs, and bickered over EVERYTHING; it was pretty sad. But I loved him. And I thought he loved me. But he doesn't. Or at least he said he didn't. I guess that was supposed to "cushion the blow" or something.
WHY AM I STILL GOING ON ABOUT DAN? He broke up with me in SEPTEMBER, and it's now APRIL- ALOMST MAY!!! It's like... (hold on I'm counting...) EIGHT MONTHS!! And I'm still not over him??!! What the hell is that about?
I guess I'm obsessed. I guess I'm clinging.

He's not clinging, though. He's apparently very over me. Sigh... I guess I would be too if it were me. I'm surprised he put up with me for as long as he did. If it were me, I would have dumped my ass after a week, like all my other boyfriends have.

Dan, if you're reading this, I'm sorry I put you through so much shit. I'm sorry I didn't treat you good enough as you treated me. I'm sorry I was a horrible girlfriend. You deserve so much better than me.

For eight months now I have been hoping and praying that he will take me back. God I'm pathetic.


Me: But I don't want to forget. I want to continue it- pick up from where we left off. Is that so much to ask?

Inner Me: Yes. Yes it is.

Me: But I love him!

IM: No you don't. It's a flame you dont want to extinguish. The truth of the matter is: you're hallucinating a flame that no longer exists. He doesn't want you.

ME: Why, though? What can I do to win him back?

IM: Nothing. Absolutely nothing. He knows how you work, and because of that you scared him off. Face it, honey- he ain't comin back to you.

ME: FUCK YOU, INNER ME! If I really truly want him back then by God I'll get him back!

IM: Don't tell me to go fuck... I'm a virgin like you, remember?? And plus- you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink.

ME: I can if I make the horse really really thirsty.

IM: Dammit Kellye don't you get it? He's done with you! He's moving on. He wants to work on his degree and get ahead in life, not settle down with a trampy girl like you.

ME: Trampy? How am I trampy? I'm not a tramp!

IM: Oh please! You're the dirtiest virgin I know! You go around flirting with every guy you see, and then you tease them like a loose slut would! Why don't you just go around fuckin the whole Lynchburg Area??

ME: Inner Me, that wasn't very nice.

IM: Yeah well neither is your attitude about needing a guy.

ME: But without Dan I don't feel complete.


ME: I don't think that's true.

IM: Yeah? Then why haven't you two had any kind of conversations lately?

ME: He's busy.

IM: Busy my ass. If he really wanted to he would make time for you. But he doesn't. Know why? YOU MEAN NOTHING TO HIM!!! See the brighter side of things babe, you lost him by going to LC. It was your choice, and you killed the relationship by leaving MoCo.

ME: :::Finally dawns on me::: Oh my God. It's my fault.

IM: Damn right it is, you dirtbag. You killed the greatest thing you ever had. You don't deserve to have him back.

ME: I drove him away.

IM: Hell yeah you did. You pushed him away all the time. You called him names. You made fun of him. You teased him. You never gave him time to himself!

ME: I've lost one of the few things that were actually given to me.

IM: Sure did.

My conscience isn't very nice to me. But she does whip my ass to see the truth.

Monday, March 24, 2003

Hey there, everyone. I know it's late and all, but I just can't sleep. I think I need to actually be awake during the day so that I can sleep at night, and stop keeping Kim up at night with all my typing that I do at all hours of the day.

I couldn't sleep especially tonight because there are so many thoughts running through my head. I'm hearing lots of different things in my head, like "Are you sure that Biomed Sci. is what you really want?" "Will it make you happy?" "When are you going to meet your husband?" "Will he be what I expected?" Blah blah blah.

So tonight I did my cards. They were a little vague (as they usually are when I do my own spread) but in a way they put my mind at ease. For my academics they told me that it was going to be a hard journey but will be worth it in the end. I had some trouble in the past, but things will get better for me.
All this I already knew. The fact that the cards told it to me solidified it in my mind that this is what I am supposed to do, and that I will be good at it, and that it is meant for me. I hoped that would be my answer.

Then I did a spread on my love life. Uh.... it was an OK reading. Not what I really hoped for, but not a complete disappointment. I'm going to meet him sometime in the future. He'll be worried mostly of his academics and scholastic success, because he really has a difficulty with sorting through his feelings about his future and the impact his family had (and has) on his life. However, he is a person who enjoys aloofness and plays pranks and tricks on others (whether its mind games or practical jokes), but will encounter a new relationship where he will learn more about himself and his partner (enter me). People view him as a knowlegeable person, who seems to have an answer to everything, but he thinks of himself who just want to help others and doesn't like to pet his ego alot. This may come off as ignorance or arrogance to others, but overall making people admire him for his wisdom. He has a talent for creating answers to situations, and helping people with their problems. Overall, our relationship together will last for a long time, renewing itself in many ways, making our life together a pleasurable and exciting experience.

This has put my mind at ease greatly. I'm not that great at reading my own cards, though. That will get better in time, I guess. But for now I would like to get a second opinion and just see what someone else may have to say.

Good night all.

Oh, and FYI- I'm now offering tarot readings. Just give me a buzz if you want your cards read. But I take it seriously, so only ask about it if you truly want to learn something about yourself or have questions answered (no joking permitted about Tarot- it's an art form that must be respected... otherwise, don't bother).

Nighty night, and pleasant dreams.

Thursday, March 20, 2003

Greetings, journal readers! How be ye on this drizzily day? I'm pretty good, since my midterm grades were just posted online today. Ugh. I thought I did so much better in my classes. Boy was I fooled. Even still, my GPA has gone up. YAY!! Granted, right now it's a 2.13, but that is WAY better than a 1.9, and given my whole... situation... that's pretty good given the fact I had to make up all my midterms. I know I need to get it up even more, and I know I can do it.

My roommate Kim is wonderful... she sticks by me thru thick and thin. And I love her for it. We keep eachother on track with school, we help eachother study, and we spend time together like real roommates should. That makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.

In any case, I HAVE SO MUCH WORK TO DO!!! I have community service to finish, Gamma Sigma Sigma pledge projects, Betterman's Hours, a history paper, a movie reaction to write, a lab report to write, a history test to study for, a biology test TOMORROW MORNING, a speech to write, and a theatre critique to write. Sigh.... busy busy me.

Ok time for me to go.... buh byes.... :)

Thursday, March 13, 2003

Hello once again. Dear God it's been a while since I've written in this thing... practically a month! WOW!!!
In any case, things are slowly picking up for me. After this entry I am writing to the Health Center to set up a meeting for outside counselling. Sigh. My life has been reduced to ther-RAPE ME (therapy). It's never seemes to work for me in the past, so why should I be so inclined for it to show some sort of self-improvement. Sigh, it seems I have no choice. It's part of my newly signed behavior contract. I have to go to therapy, take my meds, go to class, and not have any more violations for a whole year for me to be able to be considered no longer a threat to myself.
I've stopped worrying about Tim and Wade, because they no longer talk to me; so it's all good. Whatever. I have too much to do to worry about what two guys from a funny-sounding city in Michigan think about me. I am MOST LIKELY never going to actually meet them. And the whole Alden thing? Apparently, he and this girl Ginny are made for each other in FUCKED UP MENTAL CASE HEAVEN. But that's just what I've been hearing about from other people. I have never actually met the girl or had a conversation with her, so I cannot judge her. I just hope that she fucks him up really good so that he can get an idea of what he puts other people through all the time. Oh well. I just dont really care about him anymore, and I hope he has a good life and all that positive stuff.
I've been meeting some actually really nice guy. I met Rob from Liberty (a friend of Krystal's) who came to visit me all the time in the hospital (and we had never met before then!). He's a super great guy, and we think we share a brain, cuz we tend to think on the same wavelength. Tee hee hee. Through Rob and Krystal I met Josh, who is a Business major from Ohio. OH MY GOD he has hot eyes!!! :) Sorry, I'm just a sucker for eyes. Anyways, he seems like a great guy and Krystal, Rob, Josh and I have a platonic friend date in a couple weeks... tee hee hee, Krystal and I are dragging them to a chick flick :) Yay.
Then I met Brian through Krystal. Oh wow he's a really smart guy! I'd love to really meet him ,because he's really cute and smart AND ALL- THE WHOLE PACKAGE IN ONE GUY!! Yee haw!! Oh wow I'm a geek, and I ended our conversation last night so stupidly! He said "sweet dreams" and I replied "pleasant REM cycles"... WHO SAYS THAT!!! I do... :(

Oh well.

Kim is all moved into my room. I'm so happy to have a roommate, who won't move out on me!! :) Things are slowly getting better for me.

Well that's about it on this end of things.. enjoy your day. I think I am going to take a nap. Good times.

Buh byes!!

Brian: I do eat soy. It makes me gassy. (HAHAHA; great convo!!)